#10: Claiming they’re Aztec

Chicanos marching in Aztec gear

Ask most Educated Chicanos what “kind of Indian are you?” and they’ll bust out with the Aztec bomb. ‘Yeah, my folks back in Mexico were Aztec,’ they’ll say. ‘My great-grandmother in photos look like those Navajos in Gallup, New Mexico, because, you know, I’m Aztec,’ they’ll claim. ‘I feel some much of a connection with the Mayans in Chiapas because of my Aztec lineage,’ they’ll add.

Right.

True, a number of ECHs are mestizos — a hybrid of the Spanish and New World. But very few — if any — can really claim Aztec. That’s because ECHs’ families come from all over Mexico like border towns, Michoacan, Zacatecas, Jalisco, Chihuahua and the like. So, statistically, it’s more likely that most ECHs living in present-day Los Estados Unidos are most likely descendants of Indian tribes that got beat up by the Aztecs (hence, the reason a small band of Spanish where able to conquer present-day Mexico City.) Still, that doesn’t stop ECHs from decorating their homes with Aztec calendars and that painting of that Aztec warrior holding an Aztec princess over his knees with that waterfall in the background. That doesn’t stop those MEChista from performing Aztec danza at university multicultural day and wearing big-ass eagle-head sets and ankle shells.

Why do ECHs do this? Blame it on the Mexican Revolution. After the war, the ruling party encouraged the citizenry to look into its indigenous past. Murals were painted and old Indian sites were turned into tourist attractions. That was also the same time that the US saw a big migration from Mexico. Enter the Chicano Movement, and the hippies began romanticizing the Aztecs as a way to battle white supremacy and self-hatred of their brown bodies. When all is said, it’s better than what those weirdos New Mexico ECHs claim. Those brothers and sisters are adamant that they are descendants of the conquistador Juan de Onate. Right…

#9: Boycotting Shit

Maybe it’s out of guilt, maybe it’s because the previous generation had to do it to survive, or maybe it’s because the correct response to injustice would take too much of a commitment, but ECHs love to boycott shit. Whether it’s Wal-Mart because of their low wages and sweatshop-made clothes, or some movie about a Chicana with a lead role played by a Puerto Rican actress (see Selena), or grapes because some ECHs didn’t get the memo 20 years ago, a good-old fashion boycott is the favorite ECH reply. It does not matter that ECHs are wearing Nikes and chowed down at McDonald’s right before that rally outside of the local hip-hop record label. It does not matter that the call to stop drinking Coors is followed by a group of ECHs smoking out with that non-conflict free weed. For ECHs, a boycott will solve all.

To be sure, sometimes a boycott is needed. Remember that pendejo Ken Burns and his WWII documentary? Guess what group of people were excluded, even though they were the largest group of Medal of Honor winners? And that crap going along the border with young women getting killed does deserve a massive response. But since ECHs have called for boycotting that liquor store for not stocking Tecate, when the real thing comes, the movement is gone. Sadly, without even knowing it, ECHs end up boycotting caring.

#8: Oldies

El Smokey

Tejanos like that Tejano music. The Californians go nuts for their banda. South Texas are mostly 80s head bangers. In LA and H-Town, there’s a Latino gangsta rap scene. How do you unite ECHs with such diverse musical taste?

Throw on some oldies, ese’.

“Have you ever tried/reaching out to the other side? I may be climbing on rainbows/but baby here it goes.”

For some reason, Smokey Robinson’s “Crusin’” or Stacy Lattisaw’s “Love On A Two-Way Street” can united ECHs better than any LULAC voter registration drive. No matter when your folks came North (if they ever did), Sam Cooke will relax ECHs as they iron clothes, wash their cars, and chill out in the backyard with the grill. Some sociologists believe maybe it’s because during the 1950s we started to see the development of the first large, Mexican-American middle class, and that when ECHs listen to oldies, it reminds the ECHs’ collective memory of that hopefulness. Or maybe, as poet Diana Marie Delgado argues, it’s a chance for those emotionally, exterior tough ECH males to open up via the lyrics of “Baby, I’m For Real.” Who knows. We do know that you haven’t felt true love unless you’ve seen 150 ECHs slow dancing at an Albuquerque casino to Gladys Knight.

The king of Oldies show is still Art Laboe’s “Killer Oldies” out of Southern California. (You can catch it Sunday evenings at killeroldies.com) For isolated ECHs living in New York, Florida or New England, it’s a great chance to kick back and think of home. That is, until ECHs hear the “shout outs” from girlfriends and children to men on lock down in various prisons. It gets the ECH thinking: that maybe…after all this education, after all that upward mobility, after all the reaching up, maybe, We’re On The Outside Looking In. Oh, How it Hurts.

But We Can Make It If We Try. Together.

#7: Candles

What other people get so excited by a candle in a paper bag, or a candle with an image on it. I mean, we’ve really created an industry around it. Throw a candle in a paper bag and call it “luminaries” and we go crazy. Get a candle with a saint’s image (any saint) and we’ll act like it has secret powers. 

The ECH doesn’t lose that sense of candle-love. In fact, the ECH will try to “out candle” each other during dinner parties, weekend brunches or just hanging out on movie nights. “My grandmother used to have a lot of candles in her house,” the ECH will explain. “Mira, this one will get you a man.” It’s as if we light it and try not to let the past burn away as fast as the wax. But we know it is. So we say a little prayer anyway, hoping we don’t let it get too far gone so we won’t forget.

#6: Saying “Ciao”

It’s not like a lot of ECHs grew up speaking Italian. Or Spain Spanish for that matter. But listen to ECHs after their summers abroad in Europe. Or listen to ECHs after a semester in grad school where the only other Latinos are international students from Latin America. ‘Ciao!’ they’ll say when they are leaving a party. ‘Ciao! they blurt out before kissing you on the check (or both checks).  ’Ciao,’ their bubbly voice whisper before hanging up a cell phone during a play’s intermission. 

By using ‘ciao’ the ECHs are trying to exhibit their internationalness, their worldliness, their education, their arrogance, their skills, their open minds. Still, ECHs didn’t use ‘ciao’ when they were children; neither did their parents or grandparents. (Hell, most ECHs can barely order a taco in Spanish).

But saying ‘ciao’ is another measure of their evolution. It’s something else they pick up along to way to picking up a couple of degrees and a few new friends who don’t have shaved, bald heads or severe  eyeliner. Ciao is the new oy! Until next time…

Ciao!

#5: Salma Hayek

Straight male ECHs like Salma because she’s hot. Straight female ECHs like Salma because she’s hot. Gay ECHs like Salma because she’s hot. Lesbian ECHs like Salma because she’s hot.

See a pattern here?

When La Salma came onto the scene 10 years ago, ECHs went crazy. Here was a Mexicana who could finally knock down the best of Hollywood’s celebs with her looks and charm. Then came JLo. Then went JLo. And ECHs stayed with Salma. Besides her physical appeal, Salma has been very political. She testified before a U.S. Senate committee supporting the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act. She has also donated thousands to women’s shelters and anti-domestic violence agencies in Mexico. She also was key to the making of the movie, Frida, (see #2), while JLo was messing around with P. Diddy and trying to sing. In other words, for ECH, the real thing has come along.

Whenever Salma comes out in a new movie, watch ECHs line up next to cholos and rucas from the barrio. United, we will never be defeated. 

#4: Conferences and Conventions

Bottom line. ECHs love their conventions and conferences. It doesn’t matter if it’s put on by the National Association of Chicana y Chicano Studies, the National Council of La Raza, the National Association of Hispanic Journalists, or hell, even the National Association of Hispanic Federal Executives, ECHs will go to meet other ECHs. Officially, it’s to “network.” But really it’s about dressing up and going to the end of conference dance. If you’re coming from places like New England or the Deep South, all you can say is, ‘wow! I feel like I’m finally at home!’ If you come from the Southwest or Chicago, you’re like, ‘OK. Just another weekend with new folks.’

The single ECHs go on the prowl because, well, where else are you going to find so many ECHs in one place? The married ECHs sometimes get into drama and the attending ECH couples are the envy of all.  The more academic, the more gay friendly the last dance might be. That may cause a few ECHs to whisper rude comments about the men dancing with each other or the attire of ECH lesbians. All that shows: some ECHs really aren’t that educated after all.

#3: Debating Chicano v. Latino v. Mexica v. Hispanic v. Mexican American

Since many ECHs struggle with their identity as soon as they find out they need an identity,  debating what all Chicanos should be called has been a pastime at conferences, student group meetings, marches, McDonald’s, and, of course, the house party. The ECHs will yell at each other, claim the others are sellouts for not using the “right” term, and leave believing that all ECHs will one day see the light when Chicanos become the majority in the U.S. (Exactly. . . just like in Mexico where everyone agrees politically and where they have no problems).

Let’s take the Chicano v. Latino v. Mexica v. Hispanic v. Mexican American debate at the house party. Setting around the table drinking and smoking out are the Community Activist, the Politico, the Crazy-Ass MEChista/artist who never graduates from college, the Banker and the Professor.  The Community Activist blurts out that Chicanos need to unify or something. That sparks the Politico to say, wait, I prefer being called Latino so we can build coalitions!  The Crazy-Ass MEChista/artist who never graduates from college (and also has a goatee) says, you sellouts! We’re from the Mexica people and we’re indigenous! All of us from Chicago to San Diego should call ourselves Mexica! The Banker says naw, man. Let’s go with Hispanic. It’s less confrontational and more friendly. Plus, the government uses it. The Professor says, or we can just say Mexican American since it says it all.

After much yelling, the Community Activist storms away from the table. The Politico gets paranoid. The Crazy-Ass MEChista/artist who never graduates from college passes out. The Banker is hungry. The Professor is bored. Meanwhile, outside, another barrio home is foreclosing. Abuela is rushed to the hospital and still has no insurance.  Another group of workers get picked up in a raid. And someone forgot to read to little five-year-old Sandra before she went to bed.

#2: Frida Kahlo

When ECH sisters take their first Women’s Studies class and struggle to discover whether they are feministas or not, along comes Frida. The poor sister had more than 30 operations following her accident and had to put up with her husband’s many affairs. Her artwork reflects some of those pains (OK….those images are just tripped out, yo).

But then our ECH sisters learn how Frida got her revenge and they begin to appreciate some of those surreal pieces with all those monkeys, birds and stuff. For some ECHs, this is the first Latina artist they’ve come across and they are proud of her. 

How do ECHs show their pride? By breaking out those Frida bags. You know the kind. They’re blue or pink and have a Frida image on them. The Frida bags are used to take papers around at conferences, carry clothes to and from the gym, and for a night on the town with other ECHs. They let people know where you stand: you love Frida.

#1: Going to Mexico

First, educated Chicanos love going to Mexico. Why? It’s the safest and easiest way they can say that they have “traveled internationally.” Also, they like to go and play tour guides for their white and black friends (as if their broken Spanish is really a big help in trying to find a taxi). Watch them try to order a beer. And listen to how they get their verb tenses wrong. (They’ll say, ‘Dame el cuento, por favor’ instead of “Dame la cuenta, por favor.’ The waiter will break out in story instead of bringing the bill.)

ECHs, however, like going to the Homeland because they think that by venturing to some area in the country, they will get closer to their roots. This is true for Chicanos who visit Mexico City (even though abuelos are from Juarez) and for Chicanos who travel to Cancun (even though their great abuelos are from San Luis Potosi). Somewhere, in that vast land, ECHs are looking for answers. When they don’t find them, they sometimes get frustrated and drink a little too much there like all other Americans.